GOD I'M JUST SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I was better at doing chores and crap.... I do well in school, and all that, but at home I'm just a pile shit!!! I try hard to get things done when i'm told, and it's not that i'm a bad misbehaving child, i'm a good kid, i get good grades, and all that. And i'm actually good at home, the problem is i hate chore (Duh everyone does.... =.
But i just like put them off for like 2 hours and then do them, and sometimes i forget one, but rarely. But when i do forget one, or i didn't do one fast enogh, my mom just goes all out, and when she goes out I get scared, and i think to myself and say "WHAT A FUCKING RETARD I AM!!! WHY? WHY CAN'T I DO SOMETHING RIGHT FOR ONCE AND NOT GET INTROBLE EVRY FUCKING WEEK!!!" i dont do it on purpose, i don't want to get in trouble but no matter how hard i try i just can't do it, i'm just not good enogh. i like it when i get praised for a good job at school, but somehow after that i piss my mom off, without meaing to... and then that puts her in a bad mood, and then i do something stupid, and she explodes. she gets really scary when she explodes, she yell she screams, and sometimes break things, and even hits me. "i just cant learn", "Every excuse is a lie", "You nevery really listen" that is what she says. and i hate it i really do. because its not an excuse, its not a lie, i do listen, and i do try. but she doesn't see it, ears plugged eyes closed, she doesn't listen, and shes blind to the truth. I try as hard as fuck, but why i don't learn like she wants is because its not my talent.. like for school it is easy, i pick up on any topic we learn, if i do get confused, i get un confused 2 secs after that, its just school is easy for theris no challenge, i don't need to practice and learn to be good at. but there is always those kids in your class that are like, "What?" "huh", or "I don't get it mister" and it takes those people hours, days, maybe even mounths to understand it. that is what it is like for me. it is harder for me to learn how to get things done at home, and how to do them right, then it is to know the answer for 1+1. i am just a slow learner for that, and i can't help, i can't be forced to pick it up, i can only be taught the right way, or something bad will happen.
there was this one day i was able to confess some things to my mom abotu how she doesn't listen and how she always asume, and how scarey she is to me and so that i just can't say what should, be said like the truth. And she said ok, and told me that is how she felt when she was a kid, and how i shouldn't feel scared, and she would try harder to listen if i worked harder. i agreed, and for once i felt relieved, that things will cahnge and i would work harder. but it got worse. yes i admitt she listened, or at least let me speak my mind, but her ears were still plugged, and eyes closed. she would remind me to do stuff, and i would do, and sometimes forget, she would talk instead of yell. but she still yelled, and the yelling got worse, this time she would complain about reminding me and how i still forgot to do it, she would yell at me about the past, and what i did worng recently. and then i started losing my courage to speak up for myself little by little cuz i was scared to get hit, to be yelled at more, for my mom to turn the words against, me and make me lose sight of the truth even though what i said was the truth. when my mom accuses someone she won't look at the facts, or clues, or even ask what i had done, instead she says something, and its not automatically the truth.
so this time i had not done one of my chores on purpose cuz i couldn't. I was suposed to clean the sink and i thought this could be best done while brushing my teet, well i went to do that, but my sink wouldn't drain fast enough and so i couldn't do it in a clogged up sink. so i said to myself i would do it tomorrow, my mom found out the next day and scremed at me, she said why didn't i do it and all that, well i told her and blamed me that i couldve cleaned it anyways while it was clogged, or if i was confused i could've asked for help. i said to myself while i was cowering in fear of being hit, "well for 1 i din't know i could clean the sink while it was clogged, nobody told me that, and seriously, its 12:00a.m. at night/mornig am i really going to think about asking or sleep...." but nope she doesn't listen. she kept ranting abotu every excuse i say is a lie, NO it is the truth i say to myself. So then she decied that she would take my computer and tablet away and sell it, so that i would never see it again, i dont get why it has to be such a big punishment for such a small thing, and i din't even get to do it like i said was. So this happened awhile ago, i am on my shcool computer, and i waited to type this until i felt it was safe enough. but yeah i don't have my own computer like evryone else, my still brand new tablet is also being sold, so now i cant draw on it, and i don't have a computer that i can atleast draw on with a mouse, so i now have to save up for a new computer and tablet, and so i won't be on DA for loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg while, so that means SNL comic while be stoppe, i will probably draw it on my own time on paper, but i probably will be restared if i every get a chance to star drawing again. and so yea that also means i can't take request, i will be afk for long periods of time, every now and then checking messages, and yea and maybe evry now an dthen uploading a picture of a drawing i did from a phone.... DX good bye DA for who knows how long, and see you later my wonderfull watchers, and freinds, i'll miss you and i will try to get back on to check comments and stuff, but please show some love, i've just ben sad lately....... DX oh and sorry if i bored you all with this stupid journal